Cat Lady in Training

I have recently acquired myself a cat because, let’s face it, I am far too incompetent to be dealing with human interactions at the moment. From my latest dealings with humans I have discovered that “I dunno…” and “Whatever” are obviously not good answers to questions. Sitting in the corner at parties and watching YouTube videos are also apparently frowned upon behavior. In my frank opinion we should be funding parties such as these for all my introverted comrades out there! Well, that or just stay at home alone and surf the internet preventing any chance of someone accidentally talking to you.

Taro playing it up for the camera

Taro playing it up for the camera

Now, whenever I get asked if I have any plans for a Friday night I reply with a “Yes, I am watching movies with my best friend”. Nobody has to know that while I watch movies my “best friend” bats my ear with her paw, knocks over my wine glass, and stalks my feet, a killer instinct in her eye (I have the scars to prove it).

I love being a cat lady and plan on adopting more furry balls of evil.

Basic guidelines of the Cat Lady:

  • Accept that nothing, NOTHING, is yours anymore. It is now the cat’s and if you try take it back you will get a bitch slap by a tiny paw. Some stuff may be grudgingly shared (by you) and the stuff she does not want you may enjoy to your hearts content… such as the vacuum cleaner.
  • Charger cords, laptop chords, headphones, headphones, headphones and anything you might particularly need on a day to day basis will be destroyed because these things have obviously offended the Great Cat Ancestors. I have never appreciated a working pair of headphones more, or had to hide them away for that matter. You will also only notice that they have been demolished until you need them urgently.
  • There is no such thing as a bathroom privacy. Expect constant critical stares as you do your business and a thorough inspection of said business before you are able to put the seat down.
  • Walking goes from a normal human action to an obstacle course with a cat around. Do not get mad though. This is quite obviously to train you to be nimbler and lighter on your feet so that when cats do take over the world you are fit to survive the apocalypse. Stupid human.
  • Watching TV, playing on your phone and reading a book are all banned. No thing shall ever receive more attention than the cat.
  • You can break the bank buying the most expensive and luxurious cat food but YOUR dinner will always be “mistaken” for their own.
  • The cat gets fed at 7:00am? No, no. The cat gets fed at whatever time it wishes, even if this time is 05:30am. You will get notified by a light urgent tapping on your face and, if this is ignored, a high pitched mewling and a swift paw up the nose.
  • Designate a small corner to curl up in your bed as the rest will be taken up by cat.
  • If you like black clothes get a black cat.
  • Laundry baskets are cat beds and cat beds are merely decorative ornaments.
  • Develop a protective stance when lounging on your couch and keep all hands and feet covered at all times as it is a well known fact that human hands and feet are laced with catnip.
  • If your cat falls clumsily and you laugh prepare for a cold shoulder treatment that is only broken by intense sucking up.
  • Moaning about cat litter getting stuck between your toes will only be met by a nonchalant stare and genital licking.
  • Butts in face. ‘Nuff said.
  • You can never have enough cat toys. That your cat won’t play with. Until you try to throw it away, then it is their most favourite toy in the world.
  • Plastic and paper bags, and Q-tips will keep your cat amused for hours and will guarantee you some peace to do your nails.
  • All things belong on the floor and will get knocked there by the cat.
  • There is nothing better than coming home to a purring machine who will headbutt your face and curl up in your lap.
  • Insult my cat and call her anything but beautiful, cute and special and I will claw your eyes out.





Today, I woke up…

Today, I woke up.

Today, the foggy haze lifted and the numbness was chased from my system by sunshine and laughter and cake for breakfast.

Today, the tears from yesterday feel a million light years away and the mascara smudges on my pillow seem like a bad dream I had once.

I don’t know why I am so lucky today or how long I can hold off the novocaine clouds but I am going to take full advantage of this moment while I can. I will write, and lure my kitten away from the keyboard with shiny things. I am going to laugh at jokes I don’t understand simply to hear the sound in my ears. I am going to roll all the windows down on the drive home and play One Direction and Taylor Swift until people start to question my age and maturity levels. I am going to make a healthy dinner and then drink 100 mugs of hot chocolate, just to even it out.

I am not quite sure what jolted me out of my autopilot mode I have been on- sitting in a crowded place with happy faces all around me and catching my dead expression in the mirror, maybe. Or the 60s music playing, all love songs about emotions I am not sure I am capable of anymore, perhaps. The tears streaming down my face and the wracking sobs coming from my chest when I found myself alone at home and able to let it all out, the careful facade dissolving because it was just becoming too difficult to carry… Probably it, yeah.

However, today, I realised that I am angry.

I am angry at myself for losing myself. I am angry at the trusting, loving girl who embraced the world with open arms and liked adventures. I am angry at her for leaving me. I am angry she wasn’t strong enough to stay and I am scared I will never see her again.

I am angry at myself for switching off and I am angry for putting my trust right where it does not belong. I am angry that I let myself get to this point and I am angry that I am not sure that I want to change. I am angry that I feel comfortable in this lonely skin and that the things that used to frighten me before, darkness and solitude, I now welcome like an old pair of sweatpants.

I am angry that my best friend is now a stranger to me and I am angry that sometimes I feel like the best times are now behind me. I am angry that I have not fought more and been passionate about something, ANYTHING. I am angry that I gave up and I am angry that I don’t even care.

I am angry I still cannot forget him no matter how hard I try and I am angry that I probably never will.

I am angry that I let it all fall apart and I am angry that I just stood by and watched it happen.

I should feel terrible. I don’t.

I feel fueled and like there is a fire in my chest that the Atlantic Ocean won’t be able to put out. I feel like I have something to hold onto, a warm blankie that will protect me from the numbing cold. Something that will help me grow and maybe take me on some adventures that I used to love.

I know when life gets you down you are supposed to bounce straight back up. So, my bounce seems to have a bit of a speed wobble… who gives a shit, right?

You guys ain’t seen nothing yet.