I have recently acquired myself a cat because, let’s face it, I am far too incompetent to be dealing with human interactions at the moment. From my latest dealings with humans I have discovered that “I dunno…” and “Whatever” are obviously not good answers to questions. Sitting in the corner at parties and watching YouTube videos are also apparently frowned upon behavior. In my frank opinion we should be funding parties such as these for all my introverted comrades out there! Well, that or just stay at home alone and surf the internet preventing any chance of someone accidentally talking to you.
Now, whenever I get asked if I have any plans for a Friday night I reply with a “Yes, I am watching movies with my best friend”. Nobody has to know that while I watch movies my “best friend” bats my ear with her paw, knocks over my wine glass, and stalks my feet, a killer instinct in her eye (I have the scars to prove it).
I love being a cat lady and plan on adopting more furry balls of evil.
Basic guidelines of the Cat Lady:
- Accept that nothing, NOTHING, is yours anymore. It is now the cat’s and if you try take it back you will get a bitch slap by a tiny paw. Some stuff may be grudgingly shared (by you) and the stuff she does not want you may enjoy to your hearts content… such as the vacuum cleaner.
- Charger cords, laptop chords, headphones, headphones, headphones and anything you might particularly need on a day to day basis will be destroyed because these things have obviously offended the Great Cat Ancestors. I have never appreciated a working pair of headphones more, or had to hide them away for that matter. You will also only notice that they have been demolished until you need them urgently.
- There is no such thing as a bathroom privacy. Expect constant critical stares as you do your business and a thorough inspection of said business before you are able to put the seat down.
- Walking goes from a normal human action to an obstacle course with a cat around. Do not get mad though. This is quite obviously to train you to be nimbler and lighter on your feet so that when cats do take over the world you are fit to survive the apocalypse. Stupid human.
- Watching TV, playing on your phone and reading a book are all banned. No thing shall ever receive more attention than the cat.
- You can break the bank buying the most expensive and luxurious cat food but YOUR dinner will always be “mistaken” for their own.
- The cat gets fed at 7:00am? No, no. The cat gets fed at whatever time it wishes, even if this time is 05:30am. You will get notified by a light urgent tapping on your face and, if this is ignored, a high pitched mewling and a swift paw up the nose.
- Designate a small corner to curl up in your bed as the rest will be taken up by cat.
- If you like black clothes get a black cat.
- Laundry baskets are cat beds and cat beds are merely decorative ornaments.
- Develop a protective stance when lounging on your couch and keep all hands and feet covered at all times as it is a well known fact that human hands and feet are laced with catnip.
- If your cat falls clumsily and you laugh prepare for a cold shoulder treatment that is only broken by intense sucking up.
- Moaning about cat litter getting stuck between your toes will only be met by a nonchalant stare and genital licking.
- Butts in face. ‘Nuff said.
- You can never have enough cat toys. That your cat won’t play with. Until you try to throw it away, then it is their most favourite toy in the world.
- Plastic and paper bags, and Q-tips will keep your cat amused for hours and will guarantee you some peace to do your nails.
- All things belong on the floor and will get knocked there by the cat.
- There is nothing better than coming home to a purring machine who will headbutt your face and curl up in your lap.
- Insult my cat and call her anything but beautiful, cute and special and I will claw your eyes out.